When you’re with that special someone and the both of you just talk about anything and everything. The both of you smile, laugh, and just enjoy each others company. Suddenly, it turns quiet. Strange enough, its not awkward. You feel warm and for whatever reason, you know she does too. Like everything you’re feeling is in sync with one another and crazy enough the world. Time stands still when you look into her eyes. You’re looking into eternity. No words are need to be said because you just know. Know that there is this unspoken commonality. Know that there are no words to describe this moment. Know that all the troubles and tribulations that led to this moment was a blessing. You never really know, it’s the silence.
I was driving to school today and I, for whatever reason remembered something embarrassing that happened to me. It led to me remembering how I was back then and everything I thought was important at the time. I couldn’t help but laugh and smile on the thought of the person I was back then. Mind you this was only a couple or so years ago but nostalgia would have it another life time. My childish demands, my awkward demeanor, my priorities, my goals… Though some of my dispositions remain the same and I feel whole heartily that the person I am now is a lot better than that immature version of myself, I kind of jealous of that immaturity. I was reckless, I felt immortal, full of hope, at times selfish, oblivious and uncertain, but most of all innocent. It’s that innocence that had me nostalgic. Every single mistake I’ve made, every embarrassing moment, every time I said or did something that was wrong, even those moments at that time I would give everything for to do over, now I wouldn’t change a damn thing. It’s every single one of those moments, good or bad, that made me the person I am now. See I have no idea what kind of person I’ll be in the future. Maybe the person I will become will find the person that I am now as immature, childish, and innocent as I thought I was back then. I’m uncertain of the future and its this uncertainty that I find sincere.
But dear future self, don’t blame me for being optimistic and hopeful for the person you are.
I’m in a bit of a predicament. I have someone who deeply cares for me but no matter how much I want it and no matter how much effort I put into requiting her feelings, I can’t. She’s one of the best girls in the world, I can even go as far as saying the “best” girl in the world but I just can’t put my finger on it. She’s beautiful; she’s compelling; and best of all, she’s intellectually stimulating, everything I could ever ask for. Whats wrong with me? There is this saying that goes:
"It’s funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love…
while in the back of our minds…
we know the person who we truly love…
will always be the exception.”
I guess aside from all the qualities I’ve ever wanted, what I want most is the exception.
My friend told me today that this guy I played volleyball with died from a car accident. Its strange, I didn’t really know him very well and I think we only played together a couple times but now that he’s gone I wish I knew him better. Was he a good person? Is there anything from his past that he wishes he did over? How was his family? Other arbitrary questions one after the other. Being young as I am, I feel like I’m untouchable but its hearing something like this happening to someone around the same age as I am, I wonder if he felt like this too? I’m incredibly humbled and my prayers go out to his family too. This just justifies that life is too short to take for granted.
(I haven’t written a poem in a while and I’m drunk and I hope that expressing this would finally get this out of my system. Please, I don’t want this feeling anymore or better yet feel the same way too. I’ve never gone this far out of my way for someone.)
Sleepless nights have become routine
For thoughts of you are unsettling
What should of been, what it can be, and what I want
Are reoccurring themes for feelings to be fought
Because you seem content with the hand you hold
But selfish desires for better stories told
With me the lead and you the prize
Are delusions in hope dependent on lies.
But if his hand ever falters even the slightest
Then it will be my light that will shine the brightest.
To guide you to where your dreams only so far take
And offer thy heart for only you the key to break
Walls of insecurities and moats of self doubt
Thus fill the pools of heart that I thought long thus drought
If ever its my hand that you take and finally seem worthy
As far as the eyes can see its only you and you only